My first TRE™: the session that changed my relationship with anxiety

I want to share my very first TRE™ session with you, honestly and from my journal. Not because yours will look like this (most first sessions are much gentler), but because I know how it feels to carry a lot quietly. If that's you, I hope this helps you feel less alone.

Before

I arrived late, sweaty, and trying to calm myself down. It was a session that paired TRE™ with sound healing, and a friend had come along with me, which I was grateful for.

Underneath, I was worried. I'd always been afraid of what I might unleash, because I knew I'd bottled up so much. Part of me was also resistant. A voice in my head kept saying I probably didn't need this.

During

When the tremors came, they didn't feel like gentle shaking. They felt like shivers, as if I were a child being thrown into icy water.

My mind raced: Am I damaged? How could I have allowed myself to bottle up so much? Will this ever completely go away? Am I doomed?

The feelings came in waves: fear, sadness, gratitude, happiness, anger, desperation.

The first tears were happy ones. I felt a quiet joy that I finally get to take care of my own needs, almost the same quiet happiness I felt watching Wicked live. Then came sadness that I'd let myself bottle up so much. Then shock as I felt how deep it went. I'd released some, but there was a whole world of hurt still inside. Then fear that I might never get it all out. And then, gratitude, that I got to have this experience and this support.

The tears kept going, and I trembled more violently as I cried and wiped them away. The sound healer came over and played a seashell sound, then placed a singing bowl on my chest. It reminded me that I was okay. I deepened my breath and tried to slow it down, and then I wanted to wail and scream it all out, as if I was birthing a demon.

After

The session ended and we broke into small groups to share. I let the others speak first because I was feeling too much. It was like I was screaming for help and, at the same time, needed to be silent and left alone. It was so hard to hold everything inside.

My fingers and toes went numb. My friend noticed and gently placed her hands on my thigh for support. I physically couldn't prop myself up anymore, so I lay down.

As she comforted me, I started crying again and kept shivering. She placed one hand on my belly and one on my back, and did a little reiki on me to help rebalance my energy. I trembled for another three to five minutes. Slowly, I collected myself through my breath, sat up, and felt better. The sharing circle had paused because of my crying, and the other participants weren't sure whether it was okay to carry on.

When I'd calmed down enough to share, the best way I could describe what had happened was: an anxiety attack.

Five to ten minutes after the session, I was still shivering and sobbing as if I'd never left the mat. I felt like I couldn't come out of it. I wanted to run away and be left alone to rot away. For the rest of the day I felt like a child: I needed to eat, to sleep, and to be left alone.

What changed

Here's the part that surprised me most. That session was the last anxiety attack I've had.

I can't tell you exactly why. My best understanding is that TRE™ changed my relationship with my body. I'm now actively involved in sensing it. I can feel when it's starting to fill up, when it's about to overflow, and I take care of it before it has to take care of itself. Before, that "taking care" showed up as anxiety and tremors I couldn't control. Now, the shaking is something I can choose, in a safe place, on my own terms.

I take care of the body before it takes care of itself for me.

This is my experience, not a promise of yours. Every body and every story is different. Most first sessions are calmer than mine was, and part of my role is to make sure you're well supported, never pushed, and given time to settle before you go home.

If you're curious what a session usually involves, read What happens in a shake.